Keeping a family steady during Coronavirus pandemic
When Coronavirus started hitting Spain hard, I was unsure about what to do next: should I go to Brazil and stay with my parents? What if I infected them? After all, I can stay home for 2 weeks and work in an uncomfortable chair… right?
When I started reading rumors about the lockdown lasting longer than the initial 2 weeks, there was not much left to think about. Two days later I bought a last minute ticket and jumped into an airplane to Rio.
Home sweet… what the hell is happening here?
When I got home, my mom was going head over heels. She'd established strict protocols for everyone, such as stripping at the doorsteps and taking a shower before going back home for a walk to the bakery; cleaning our shoes with bleach; staying inside at all costs regardless of the fact that we live in an isolated place and none of us had any symptoms.
I won't argue about the merits of such protocols, but the loving place that made me jump in that airplane was no longer there, instead it was filled with a very stressed out couple of 60 years old with a history of healthy habits and no serious diseases.
This is how in 10 days we turned the table and went back to being an even better version of the family I've always know.
Make them talk
The thing about media (be it social media, newspapers, blogs, radio, pick your favorite one) is that their survival depends on hooking people's attention. And what better way to get someone's attention than by promoting hysteria?
Yes, the Coronavirus is ugly. Many people will die from it. And we should prevent deaths. That's very true and very correct. But not all of us are going to die. The lethality rate is actually quite low when compared with other diseases (especially the ones we usually have in Brazil). And most people that get infected end up recovering it from it. Why not focusing on this side of the facts?
And that's the first thing I tried to do. Make them talk and talk and talk about their fears and concerns and reason about them. I wasn't interested in convincing anyone, I just wanted them to let everything out and then plant a seed on their brains, something that would make them think for themselves.
And to make that seed grow stronger, I'd feed them with news from websites such as goodnewsnetwork.org and sonoticiaboa.com.br. My parents are smart people, I didn't need to do much else in this direction.
Coming to agreements
My dad and I are very active fellows. We enjoy going out for a hike, soaking up some sun and spending some energy in physical training. My mom, on the other hand, enjoys staying at home and reading a book. But she's a bit of a control freak. And, as I said before, she was freaking out with the whole situation, thinking everyone would die if they crossed the street.
The situation was about to become unbearable, with both sides trying stronger and stronger to pull the battle rope to their sides. What did we do? We negotiated and compromised.
In fact, my mom had good points. She was afraid we'd go hiking for too long, bumped into a storm, got home too wet and dropped sick, which would make life even easier for Corona, the virus. She was also afraid we'd run into known people that would want to hug or shake our hands, very effective way to carry the virus home with us. What did we agree upon? My dad and I would go out for a shorter hike, close to our home and isolated from anyone else. This way, there'd (hopefully) be no one to interact with and, if it started raining, we could go back fast enough.
Being nice to each other
We were about to have lunch. I was pissed at Brazilian president for a flaming speech given the night before, in the middle of a crisis, and started talking about it with my dad. My mom was all jumpy and nervous and lashed it out on us that we should stop talking about it immediately because she didn't want to talk about it.
I felt like a dictatorship had just been put in place. I kept my mouth shut, said nothing for the rest of the meal, finished eating, washed my dishes, put on my shoes and prepare to go for a walk.
Mom stopped me to talk about it. She thought I was angry because of different political points of view; I was honest and direct to her: "It's ok for us to disagree in politics, I'm able to respect everyone's point of view. The reason why I'm going for a walk is you were extremely rude to me for no reason."
She apologized, I apologized, and even though I think it's important to accept that sometimes we'll be rude to each other because we're under too much stress, I find it also important to bear in mind that those are the times we need to be nicest to each other, because we're all in this together and we're only going to remain together if we treat each other well.
From there on, everyone's attitudes changed. My mom became much closer to the person I've known all my life, my parents argued less and I started talking to them again (just not about politics, I could talk about it with other people).
Celebrate!
Yes, it's a time of crisis. Yes, we all have lots of concerns in our minds. But is that all that is? Bringing it to my personal reality:
- My newborn niece was born a few weeks ago and is healthy and safe;
- Every single person in my family is healthy and safe;
- Everybody's kept their jobs;
- The virus is under control in China and many other countries;
- Solidarity has never been stronger in our society;
- This is yet another crisis, we've been through so many others! We're most likely going to be fine once this one is over, just like the previous one!
So, once the first quarantine week was over, we made a small celebration: we bought a nice piece of meat, opened a bottle of wine and did a barbecue to celebrate all the good things that happened over the last week.
We even did a little retrospective on the last week: we celebrated many things and came up with ideas to make the next week even better. But that's a topic for another post :)
Is your family under too much pressure?
I can't recommend much else from what I've already shared here.
Make them talk about their feelings and try to counter argument with reason, logic and facts. But most of all, be patient. They might be in a different state of mind, much more fearful than you. Respect that and lend them a loving ear and a few positive words. The most important thing is to get the bad feelings out of their chests and make they think about how much sense they make.
Plus, facilitate communication between people in your family. Help them see each others' points of views and compromise on common ground. And please please oh please help them be kind to each other. We're all humans and much more likely to compromise with someone that's nice to us.
You also have to be a leader and start celebrations. Maybe people won't initially be on a party mood, but who cares? Do your best, come up with games, prepare a nice meal, put their favorite drinks on the table, put some cheerful music to play on the stereo, help them see that "hey, life goes on, we shouldn't stop doing what we like at home".
And last but not least, be positive. Remind people of the good things they have, be careful and pick words that convey a positive mood, get people to do the things they enjoy the most and make them feel good (cooking, exercising, reading, everyone's got a favorite). Being home doesn't have to mean being sad.
